Packin' it

What is it about having a penis that leaves you unable to pack a bag properly? Every time I go food shopping i dread not getting a self serve till (the nearest shop to me just calls you up if they think too many people are queueing for self serve you see). I swear every man who works there approaches a bag the way the Swedish chef approaches a stew pot, they flail about a bit and in everything goes in no order and with no delicacy whatsoever. Which is awesome, as I much prefer it if any cake I get had been squashed by a bottle of water - saves me chewing, eh? Bruised fruit is always better too, clearly where I live unbruised fruit and veg is for squares and pansies.

No pastry should be flaccid...

I'm getting so fed up of  picking up a croissant to find its one of those awful, soggy, floppy ones. Who wants their breakfast to have the consistency of play-dough? I sure as hell don't. Croissants, much like all other types of pastry, should be firm and flaky, anything otherwise in inexcusable as far as I'm concerned. Should I ever find myself in any kind of position of global power and/or influence I want to make the makers of soggy pastries aware; there will be consequences.