Maskssssss

 If masks are no longer mandatory in certain contexts, but you choose to still wear one and just pull it down over your nose - yet you don't pull your pants up but poke your dick out or put a bra on and poke your tits out - why?! Imagine being that half arsedly committed to anarchy. Anarchy if no-one is looking. Anarchy if 'the man' says you can. Anarchy if that suits everyone else today, if not, tomorrow is fine? JUST WEAR YOUR MASK PROPERLY; I HAD A GERM OCD BEFORE THIS AND THE LAST 18 OR SO MONTHS HAVE. NOT. HELPED. Wear one or do not wear one. Just don't try to be clever about going with the flow. You can't sit on the fence here, you've got to pick a side. It's doing my damn head in.

Uuuuuuugh

People everywhere still piss me off.

I got ghosted by an on/off "friend" of 1.5+ years. My reaction was to bleach my hair and crash diet until I'd lost 11 lbs. Did it re-attract his attention? No. Did I feel better? Actually, yes. Wrecked my hair, though. Literally. Would probably only recommend the 800 Kcal a weekday diet aspect of this demi-breakdown tbh.** (Brekkie: Coco shreddies, Lunch: snack cheese, 4 crackers, low cal crisps and maybe an apple, dinner: soup and 4 crackers diet plan. Actually not as hard to maintain as it sounds).

He's a douche but smarter than 90%+ of the people where I am so who am I to try and call the shots? Not my war to win. Correct use of an apostrophe is basically foreplay for me these days. I guess this is what pushing 30 feels like.

People are dumb where I'm from. "They emailed asking for an emailed copy of our forms. But there's no address on the case. What email address should I use?" THE ONE THEY FUCKING USED MAYBE?! MIGHT BE THEIR FUCKING EMAIL ADDRESS?! SINCE THEY ARE, YOU KNOW, USING IT. Fucking cretins.

Or the legendary line used once in my office: 'I can't use that machine (a desktop franking machine) I'M TOO TALL'. Too. Fucking. Tall.

I think I stay here 'cause it makes me feel smart.



**For a bit for a crash diet. Not long term. You can't do long term. Sooner or later someone will mention a chippy tea and. You. Will. Cave. (and it will be glorious; you will regret nothing).

I am mad at myself.

Absolutely fucking raging at myself. I am a mug. Pure fucking mug. I have thrown 300% at a man. What has he given? 10% max. FOR. A. YEAR. But I still give.

Yes, two or three times I have deleted his number and deleted the text thread and said that's it but it all finds it's way back. At the moment his number just isn't saved and I have convinced myself that is feminism?

I check in with him at least once a week and sometimes he gratifies me with a reply and sometimes he just keeps playing Fortnite and I have to look up break up playlists on youtube. (#PillsNPotions). OH BUT HE IS SO MUCH KINDER THAN ANY OF THE OTHERS SO I MUST KEEP TRYING?!?! He is a douche but within a week max I will have backtracked no doubt. And yes, he is the no pudding guy from months ago. I WANTED A FUCKING CHEESECAKE. OR AT THE VERY LEAST A FUCKING TEXT BACK.

*** To clarify; I am not a complete moron - if you saw him with me you would think he adored me. He stutters. He stares as I walk away (so my trusted friends tell me). He is awkward beyond belief. But clearly too fucking awkward. What I convinced myself was love was apparently just plain old social anxiety. Story of my life.

Subtle hint is (apparently too) subtle

I'm pretty sick of people who either completely miss or choose to ignore subtle hints, especially when you get the vibe that it is wilful ignorance rather than them just being a little dense. They push and push and just keep going until you snap and are blunt then they whine that you could have been a little gentler with the issue.No. Fuck off could I have been. You've probably had at least five opportunities to take the damn hint. If you don't take it then what choice does anyone have but to hurl it at your face.

I'm sorry, but:

If someone knows that you are interested in them and they avoid you/pretend they've not noticed you then they're not being coy - they are trying not to have to outright say 'I don't want to'.

If you tell your friend something and you're met with a sigh and silence then don't press the matter; they either don't agree or don't approve.

If you friend request someone and they decline it then guess fucking what. They don't want to be friends.

I'm not saying the truth doesn't suck. It does. But it sucks for everyone at some point and just acting like everything's going exactly how you want it to doesn't mean that it actually is. You're just making other people feel awkward and making them dread having to deal with you and your borderline delusional fantasy world again. So don't be a dick. Just be an adult and face the truth, you'll have to eventually anyway.

Two many people who carn't spell well

I think that the only thing worse than being around people (with English as their first language) who make basic spelling/grammar mistakes is working for them.

Where I work (shockingly, for a fairly large company) people got where they are through sycophancy rather than skill, intelligence or indeed any apparent redeemable quality in some cases. I know, I know, I should just play the game too; fluff a few egos (or worse) and I could have some silly titled job myself. I could be the assistant project planner for the HR, health and safety & environment project directive planner or something. But I wouldn't be the best person for that job (mainly because even though that's a title of my own creation I have no idea what it would entail outside of planning) and jobs should go to the best person for them. Not your mate. Not whoever is willing to put out to get it. Not the nearest person to you in the room when you put up the advert. Not the first person you see who doesn't look like they'll not bite or wee on the seat.

But that's not how my workplace rolls. Oh no. So now we have managers who voted for the political party who uses their favourite colours and managers who can't use there/their/too/two/to etc. And they all lord it about, on twice my salary getting us 'plebs' to do as much of their work as they can get away with. And no-one can complain because the people you'd complain to hired them.

It's a sad old world.

(unless you kiss butt)

Facebook fwends

Okay, so this whole rant could be fairly easily remedied by just, you know, not having a facebook, but I need to stalk a special few somehow and peeping on profile pages is more convenient than peeping through windows for all involved ;).

I guess this gripe could be stretched out over the internet as a whole. There's something about it that encourages people to assume a higher level of familiarity then they would ever even attempt to recreate in real life. There's people that I work with that I have spoken to about 3 times in the three years I've been working there who think nothing of sending friend requests on all social media platforms. I know that this happens everyday everywhere but when you step back and really look at it it's bloody weird.

A friend request says "I want to see you holiday photos". It says "I want to read what your plans are for this weekend". "I want to know what's going on with your friends/love life/ family etc". "I want to know which Disney princess that quiz says you are most like" and so on. Which is pretty weird. People I've not spoken to in years would never randomly approach me in the street and ask me what the last funny video I watched on youtube was, that'd be weird and they'd look nuts. But online it's okay to do that because...it's not in person I guess?

Maybe if we lived in a more anonymous society we'd all do this? If we had a carnival period, like Venice, and we all went around in cloaks and masks for a month maybe we'd get more people we - apparently - know shouting 'I LIKE THAT PHOTO OF YOU AS A BABY!' *thumbs up* ? To be fair if that's the alternative I'll stick with facebook (casually not noticing the virtual strangers who've friend requested me).

But I am happy single

You may as as well tell people you are a unicorn here on a witness protection programme scheme because you saw the sugar plum fairy doing something that you dare not mention again than tell them you are happy single, as they're going to be more likely to believe it.

I have reached the, apparently tragic, level of singledom where I am now clearly single due to my own incompetence at finding men. Pretty much everyone I know trying to set me up with their friend/brother/work mate/man they stood next to at the bus stop who looks a bit desperate too. I tell them all 'oh, that's sweet but I'm honestly fine single. I like it, it means I can travel with work whenever I want to, which I prefer at the minute'. 'No, no, no. You've just got to go out, have dinner. You'll love him'. Handy hint: this sometimes means they've already told them you'll go.

I get that people mean well and are trying to help but holy crap why don't they listen? And this isn't just a few people suggesting nipping out for drinks a couple of times; I've heard the phrase 'I'd quite like you for a sister in law'. You...you can't just betroth people.

Plus, it's a bit disheartening to find you've been invited out somewhere, not for your wit, personality or any other redeeming trait but because they've got a mate who can't get laid and hey, you obviously can't either so BAM. Clearly meant to be. Sit in the corner and get on with it.

I hate dreading what awkward messages I've got on facebook now because some poor sod has been told God knows what about me and that I'll definitely date them. I don't want to. I've not got a lot going for me but I could get someone if I wanted someone. I did sit next to a very dashing man on a plane a few weeks ago. Maybe I need to big this up. 'Sorry, I fell in love with a man on a plane you see, so I'm going to stay chaste from now on until he finds me again. It's nothing against your friend/brother/work mate/man you stood next to at the bus stop who looks a bit desperate too, it's just that ya know, this is surely fate.Consider me taken...?'

Might work? Worth a shot. Failing that I'll just shout 'OH PISS OFF' whenever someone starts to talk about someone I don't already know.

Fools

Why are some people morons? I'm not trying to be mean with this one but honestly, I had to argue with someone who was adamant that snow does not give you frostbite. It's...it's literally in the name with that one. Do people sometimes just say incredibly stupid things to see how the world will react? They can't believe, in their heart of hearts, all of the crap that spurts from their mouths surely? Either way these people should not be the world's problem - which is why I'd like to suggest 'Idiot Isle'.

It's pretty self explanatory; just dump all of the muppets on an island together. Hardly ground breaking but it's win-win. If they are just dumb then think of the riveting conversations they'll be able to have amongst their intellectual(ly lacking) equals and if they just think it's funny then they'll find each other hilarious. And then I need never have to explain to someone wearing converse in 3 foot of snow that they may be endangering themselves again.

"Is it just me or is it really warm in here?"

I'm sorry but I think that a socially acceptable answer to the above question - when posed in the context of the workplace at least - should be:"No. No, it's not. You're just bloody fat. Do you see anyone else under a size 18 wandering around in a vest top in winter? No. No you do not. Now shut the window, switch off the air con and try not to eat a whole box of boiled sweets again today, eh?"

Let's talk table manners...

I'm one of those people who can't stand to hear people chew. There is one person, with whom circumstance regrettably dictates I interact with regularly, who chews insanely loudly. If I were to try and liken it to something then I think the closest I could get would be a toothless hippo lazily performing fellatio. The point here being; can these people actually not hear themselves? Are they not aware that while they're just savouring their werther's original everyone in a 10 mile radius can hear their saliva frothing around like a tsunami of aggravation? If they can't then I think society owes it to these people to tell them before they get banned from all picnic areas and fancy restaurants!

Packin' it

What is it about having a penis that leaves you unable to pack a bag properly? Every time I go food shopping i dread not getting a self serve till (the nearest shop to me just calls you up if they think too many people are queueing for self serve you see). I swear every man who works there approaches a bag the way the Swedish chef approaches a stew pot, they flail about a bit and in everything goes in no order and with no delicacy whatsoever. Which is awesome, as I much prefer it if any cake I get had been squashed by a bottle of water - saves me chewing, eh? Bruised fruit is always better too, clearly where I live unbruised fruit and veg is for squares and pansies.

to tweet or not to tweet...

I'm getting so fed up of people walking straight at me or walking into me because they're plodding along playing with their phones. I want to smack their hands from the underneath so their phone goes flying and that text/tweet/facebook status they were in the middle of, which I'm sure not nothing dull or mundane like 'lol in ldn. is kwl. lol' becomes lost to the world.

That said you've got to be pretty dim to wander around central London and not pay attention to where you're going so this perhaps is Dawrinism at its finest. I think fairly soon the sight of people floating down the Thames frantically texting/tweeting/whatever 'is it rainin cuz im all wet now??but forgot my brolly.not lolz.' will become a common sight.

Jogging bottoms

I'm getting sick of seeing people wearing jogging bottoms instead of proper trousers when they're out and about. I'm not talking about the people who walk home from the gym in them, but the ones who, for reasons unknown, think that they are an acceptable replacement for jeans etc. Especially if they're the fleecy ones that kind of look like pajama bottoms; come on now people - you could at least attempt to make an effort.

I know people argue that they're comfy to wear around the house blah blah blah, but so are the short shorts that I wear around the house in summer, doesn't mean I should keep them on when I pop to Sainsburys now, does it? Comfort does not equate social acceptablility, sadly.

I don't think it's a snob thing either, you can get jeans for about the same price these days, but then you can't tuck jeans into socks for that 'hardcore' look like you can jogging bottoms.

Pinball people

I've noticed that there's more and more people who apparently struggle to walk in a straight line now and instead just plod along swerving from one side of the street to the other as they go, I like to refer to them as 'pinball people' (or worse if dodging a herd of them is making me late). I don't get this. They must be heading somewhere, so why not, you know, aim for it.

The worst is people doing this with prams, they're the hardest to get around and a lot of them time they've got the 'pram = right of way so eff you' attitude. Which is nice in a way, because sometimes, even though you leave the house thinking you want to get to work/uni, what you really want to do is walk at a pace so slow it would disgust sloths and listen to some kid in a pram wailing.

Old friends

I got the email I usually get every 6 months or so; 'hey, a load of friends from school are meeting up, you should pop along, we haven't seen you in ages!' No, no I should not pop along. What good could possibly come from that?

I hate this, if you haven't seen people in ages, surely they should pick up on the hint you don't want to see at least one of them. I'm running out of nice ways to say no, pretty soon I'll just have to break out the truth 'Yeah okay, I'll go. Oh, just a heads up, one of your friends makes me properly 'hulk out' so I hope no one will be offended if I spend a good chunk of the night throwing stuff around in a blind rage because she's started crying because some guy called her psycho/told her he just wants to be friends/she couldn't find the shirt she wanted in her size/ she thought Eastenders was sad last night etc. Meet up outside at 6?'

It's a shame because there's a few people I would like to see, sadly the aforementioned drama queen shadows them -heaven forbid she misses out on something- and makes damn sure everything is about her, so ignore is not an option either. She's partial to inviting herself along too if she's not asked somewhere; 'I'll come down aswell and stay at yours too'. Yes... if only you had been asked. I could have genital warts and it'd be more welcome and easier to shift than she is.

Outings

Why do people never cancel until the shortest possible notice?

Like when you say 'oh shall we go see 'x'' and they say 'oh yeah, sure', then either the day before or on the the day, you go to check plans and it's 'oh, sorry yeah don't really have the money'. Fair enough, but I doubt that you didn't know that you had no money when we arranged this, so why say yes in the first place? This week I have lost two (paid for)play tickets, missed a gig and will now be missing a filming. Is it so difficult to just say 'no, I don't really fancy that' or 'I'm busy so I can't, sorry' when an idea is suggested? Apparently so...

When I die, bury my under a busy street so that my resting place can be an ironic yet perfect metaphor for how my life has been lived.

Newsagents

So, you know when you go into W H Smiths or somewhere and there are loads of people reading the newspapers and magazine? Not just flicking through to see what's in it, but actually standing in the aisles reading it. What the hell is that about? If it's that good, buy it and get out of the way. It's a shop, not a library.

Flip-flops

I don't think there's any need for flip-flops. I hate that stupid 'schlop-schlop-schlooop' sound they make when people walk in them.

At the beach, its annoying but you think 'okay, fair enough they are beach shoes', but people wear them in cities etc. Why? They're not really appropriate footwear, are they? How many peoples toes have been trodden on because they've worn beach shoes anywhere other than the beach?

A little (read- fairly big) part of me is tempted to stand of the back of them if I'm going up the stairs behind someone who's got them on. Mean I know, but then they might start to wear appropriate footwear. So in a way it'd be the right thing to do, it might save them getting their toes stamped on at a later date.

Putting the cross in crossings...

Okay, so what's with people who, when you're standing at a crossing waiting for the lights to change, come up and press the button. WOW! I'd never have thought of that one! Good job you turned up or I'd have been standing here all day!

That really bugs me.