INTERNET WHY?! WHY?!

Ok, so I only came on here so slag off the guy from the post below whom I am forbidden from slagging off publically.

But then I thought, under the influence of wine, damn people should read the shit I write. So I googled "is my blog shit?". Thinking "Yass grrrl, make it stand out!" Foolishly thinking I'd get people offering to give feedback on blogs. Oh hell no, instead I got tips on what you should do if your bf wants to shit in your mouth. I want to be joking but I'm not.  I mean if nothing else for God's sake look at my past entries. Damn, do you think that's even a problem I have? They just don't offer me second courses generally, talk about rubbing that shit in. Unliterally (!)

The internet is just a dark place getting darker. You know ten years ago we all just talked about cats who wanted grammatically incorrect cheeseburgers. Now here we are pooping in mouths. And to think this was made to make the world better. hashtag glory days. hashtag Gif Mey Mey Bukket.

Captain Dicksplash

So how's your life? Mine wasn't great but now I work with Captain Dicksplash so it's just got 10 times worse. MEGALOLZ.

No matter what you've done or where you've been Captain Dicksplash has done better. Oh, so much better. Ever been anywhere? He has too, but club level! Every done literally anything? He has with bells on! Got a new computer system? He taught that at his old place of work! Imagine! OR he's an early twenty-something "see you next tuesday" full of bullshit as far from training a nationwide company on an I.T. system he came from a service station tuck shop. Also, he is a marriage wrecker who took the job there to rub someone's face in the fact he now had access to their child. Always nice, left that off your CV you moron. If you opinion is 'well, you can't help who you love' for good measure he's also lied about having cancer. Covered all fronts with this one. He's straight out of a "take a break" mag. You couldn't write a better wanker if you used every cliché in the book.

Think he sounds like a bell end? Well, don't say so outloud as he has complained that no one likes him (strange opinion, from the man who used the line "no offence, but with how close you are to retirement I'm really impressed with how into computers you are". Like, what era do you think the internet was invented in?!) He has complained that everyone slags him off and  now we are not allowed to speak ill of him. He found out people discovered he lied about having a brain tumour and everyone else is out of order - NOT HIM.

Also, he looks **just** like a crosst between slappy the dummy from goosebumps and Alfred E Newman, in case you though he wasn't chunt enough.


So on the off chance that one person, anywhere, reads this and thinks "shit, I didn't have the best day". Please, I beg you; take comfort from the fact you you do not work with Captain Dickspash.

Effboys

Tell you what else I need to let off steam about; those "I'll go to the effort of driving you to another town to a fancy restaurant then never talk to you again' men. Yeah, if I knew this was going nowhere I'd have brought myself dessert. If you think you have any chance of someone putting out for a (self-paid) main with no pudding course then at last I know you aren't also sleeping with any of my friends, as fuck that. No cheesecake = no sex without fail in my inner circle (no pun intended).

***edit to add that I re-read much later and I realise that there is no pun in that last line and I was just drunk when I wrote this. But did I still text him? Fuck yeah. Did I regret that? Fuck yeah. Do I wish I could hate men as much as I want to. Fuck yeah. ***

Table Manners

Have I written about table manners on here before? Most likely...But today I literally watched someone eat a cupcake in two mouthfuls so; here we go again. Oh my fucking God. Some people should not be allowed to eat in public.

I mean are we not all taught how to eat? Is that not one of the first things we learn? I mean, I'm scared that this person never progressed to potty training! She eats open mouthed "chewing" as much as she can fit in (and it's not the person I've critiqued on here before for similar behaviour so it's not just a grudge I have, although I do hate that person with a passion). 1/3 of it ended up on the floor.

I swear to God. Fuck swear boxes we need to introduce 'I could hear you chew from 4 miles away' boxes. We could end world poverty in a fucking week. Or at least in my office we could.

While I'm at it...

...I'm going to be controversial here and say: I hate seeing/hearing about fat people gorge/ing theselves. It just makes me so mad. The largest person where I work spends half her time shouting loudly that she spends 32 hours a day in the gym, then dispenses such diet tip gems as "Your should top your muller light with haribo as they're not many points". They may not be many points but you've missed every fecking on of them, hen.

Leggings

Have I ever written about leggings on here? If so don't care; I'm going to again. Fucking leggings are not a stand alone bottom. I don't want to see people's underwear (and in some cases cellulite - I shit you not (-_-).  ) through your "trousers"! Save it for the beach, not England in Autumn! Are these people not cold?! Can they not feel the draft?!

COVER YOUR BUTTS, PEOPLE.

Worst case scenario

Ugh. I'm just so very annoyed with myself right now. I'm living in this bizarre purgatory where no aspect of my life is good yet, aggravatingly, I can't figure out what I actually want from life.

I hate my job with a passion - but can't find a job I'd rather have.

I hate where I live - but can't think where I'd like to move to.

I hate my lack of skills - but can't decide on what I want to learn

I hate a considerable percentage of the people around me - but to be fair though I'll chalk that one up to me being a miserable arsehole.

On top of this I'm worried that I'm getting too old now to be so disjointed with my life plans; not to mention too old to come on here and grumble into the empty halls of cyberspace when I'm bored. I should have more substantial hobbies dammit.

At this point I think the best hope for me is that my whole existence is just a daydream in some cosmic rabbit's head, soon to be extinguished when hears a loud noise or smells a carrot or something. Please get distracted soon, cosmic bunny!