Fucking hell

I've just found out that the guy, THE. GUY. From my high school. The hottie we all (well, me and my alleged best friend) were crushing on (until we realised we both liked him and I said 'Hmmm, I'm sure he doesn't even like me so you go for it' and she said 'Oh really, KThxBye' and a bond was Obliterated) has got a receding hairline now. 

 MY own mortality has just sent an icy breath down my neck. Fuck. Fuck. Shit I've got to get a center parting or something, try to drag my heels in the old aging process.  

This is so depressing, I can see why people who can afford it go wild with the old Botox/face lift/ass lift etc. 

 

*edit* that said, as I was finishing this post Dolly Parton 'Better Get To Livin' ' just came on so a sign maybe...? From God? Dolly? Both?

 

Maskssssss

 If masks are no longer mandatory in certain contexts, but you choose to still wear one and just pull it down over your nose - yet you don't pull your pants up but poke your dick out or put a bra on and poke your tits out - why?! Imagine being that half arsedly committed to anarchy. Anarchy if no-one is looking. Anarchy if 'the man' says you can. Anarchy if that suits everyone else today, if not, tomorrow is fine? JUST WEAR YOUR MASK PROPERLY; I HAD A GERM OCD BEFORE THIS AND THE LAST 18 OR SO MONTHS HAVE. NOT. HELPED. Wear one or do not wear one. Just don't try to be clever about going with the flow. You can't sit on the fence here, you've got to pick a side. It's doing my damn head in.

Pain, pain I know your name :/

 So, if I spend a weekend finding the man I THOUGHT I MIGHT, GOD WILLING, BREED WITH his dream job on the otherside of the world am I in the top 25% of good people or am I an absolute fucking mug?

Corona

So my company (who a month or so ago sent us all an email boasting about our 60m+ profits for last year) have been getting back to me since Tuesday. They are just awaiting confirmation that this government loan will go through before they say how much money I'm to get as I can't do my job because of corona restrictions. LOL.


Fucking cheap cunts. Wouldn't even pay for 3 seats space around our MD when we paid to fly her back from her holibobs (TRUE STORY; HER ACTUAL REQUEST). Cheeeeaaaaaaap.

Feminism

K so for a long time I have rallied against Western feminism. What right do women have when women in the western world can still be, basically, legally raped*as i look as reservations*, I've muttered to myself. BUT. (and I know it's not the same). A little over a year ago I complained to my HR that by boss once (amongst a multitude of other things - shout out to every vegetarian that's been told they need some meat in them-) told me I was "lucky he didn't do something bad to me while blotto". At the time I told him he couldn't say that to staff. He scoffed. They did nothing. BUT I was allowed to change departments - a rare treat in my company. We were the other side of the office but still. I knew how rare of an honour this was so I was honestly grateful.

Shoot forwards 1 years 2 months. He's just moved to be backing on to me. Aparently this is O.K. companywise. That's one thing. But only one of my friends from this end of the office has stuck up for me on the subject. This is once of the most painful things I've lived. People I thought were friends are rolling their eyes at my opinion that women don't need to be spoken to like this. They're saying I'm not being professional. They're asking if I'm not their friend either because I didn't take a mint from them. Like I'm in the wrong for not writing this kind of thing off. He essentually threatened me. Do I think he'd ever rape or assult me, no? Do I think threatening me is okay, STILL FUCKING NO.

When he has been made to apoligise to me before (this has gone on about 7 years?!) he's said he was sorry I was offended by what he said. Not that what he said was offensive. How could he offend? He's a man and women are mean, evil, meaines.

I know a lot of women on this planet are assulted. That's honestly awful. But let's be honest. I'm here genuinely saying I'm lucky I was only threatened with violence; not presented with it. So let's take a good look at ourselves. I think it's generational. My friends in the office under 35ish *flipped* their*shit*. They went senior. Put complaints in as senior as they could. Said their hubbys could wait outside work for the guy. Older people that I called friends rolled their eyes at me. Looked exasperated that I'm not over it yet. Muttered that he's said he want's to be friends with me again and it was me being "difficult". Causing "problems". For wanting a mediocum of respect. I. Think. Not.


He now makes at least 2 gibes at me a day. 'I'll have this team soon too, you see. I'll be king of this team again soon'.\ 'Oh ho, isn't this funny, it's just hilarious! LOL!' etc. That's allowed. He's just being  the banter king. FFS how dare I think I shouldn't have to sit there and be goaded by a sad, old man all day. WHO DO I THINK I AM? I am so fucking unreasonable.

No-one on my team has spoken to me unless it's workwise for a week there now. I thought we were friends. I just sit in silence, listening to him. When he says stuff they all say nothing. sometimes they just laugh or gabber away with him. They don't say 'too far', 'give it a rest'. Nothing. Because clearly, I am at fault(!).

I AM allowed to be moved away from him though. As soon as he can move me. (f.y.i he's not in I.T. , it's not his job to move desks). When he decides that he has enough time he will move my desk away and not until. He laughingly said it won't be this week. Then he moved his own row of desks back slightly, played with lego and set up his new phone. I AM THE ARSEHOLE THOUGH.

I AM NOT IN THE WRONG. No-one can talk to us like this anymore. Thank FUCK we live in a new world. SOON no woman -regardless of social contructs or circumstance - will have to take this shit. Woman ARE equal and soon every man will not be able to question this. I've learned that women are our own enemies.

Came here to delete this but you know what I'm two years deep and this shiz is still flaggin on my radar so NO. Don't delete. He was just made my Team leader again because apparently grievances don't count for shit? Here for future reference. We don't have to take this shit. Hashtag Still Going Strong. It turns out the head of my H.R department thinks all of the above was not ok. Also, I hashtag got the last laugh.

Owl Lady

So I guess we can just about change this blog's name to 'absolute cunts I have known'. Would not be inaccurate.

I once knew a cunt. I could easily have loved him. I was infatuated. T'was not to be. Now I am sad (again).

Also, I work with an owled eyed cunt who keeps telling the youngest team member
(>10 years to me vs the < me vs the rest of the team) that SHE IS AMAZING AND EVERYONE IS IN AWE OF HER. Like  yah, 10 years between me and your opinion; 25 years between me and the actual age gaps but FUCK IT you feel young again so praise dat 19 y'o'.

Oh Internet

...Today some dumb thing with a wang made me cry. Internet, please make it better?


**Edit to add** I found this:

Good job internet. I knew you'd know what to do :D

Sooo...

Yah. One of my good friends is older than me. And getting low on eggs, to be frank. She's just turned into a massive cunt kind of overnight. Is this a thing?

She's so nasty suddenly. I went for lunch with a mate and she's all 'HE'S NOT A REAL MAN THOUGH?!?!?!'. Like, it's lunch not defending my feudal lands so s'all good. I gave stuff up for lent and she's like 'YOU'RE GOING TO PUT EVERYTHING BACK ON IN A DAY. IT WON'T WORK'. Maybe it's about the spiritual journey? (No, it was about losing weight but like fuck will I tell her that now.) I was going out with another friend so she said "I can think of nothing WORSE than going out with her". Really? 'Cause you seem pissed that you were not involved.* I said I like truffles so apparently I have developed 'LA DI DAH TASTES' and am a flash bitch? Like, they're not cheap but they are in no way unaffordable. Any unhappiness you have with your life is not my fault, stop going at me, I've not done anything?


*disclaimer - she is not friends with this friend so it's not like we've left her out.

Goddamn..

Those Goddamn things with penises. I've made a horribly misjudged joke about an offhand comment made over lunch and now I'm listening to 'Be The One' on repeat and googling how to dye dark hair blonde. DON'T FUCK ME UP DUDE, I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT YOU'D JUST LAUGH. Fucksake hard enough to get a text back on a good day.

Now, I've said this a lot but...

Forget everything I've written previously. I have *now* met the biggest cunt I've yet to meet. She doesn't log her phone in in the morning as she 'doesn't feel like it'. She wont work until 6 (the shift) because she 'doesn't want to'. She gives half her work away because she 'doesn't want to do it'. She asked me how to log her phone out yesterday. I said "push the log out button, and then the cross button, it's next to the blue button". THERE IS ONLY ONE BLUE BUTTON. She replied with "which blue button?" Which blue button?! Well, not the one on my fucking coat, Jackie. I. Swear. To God. Which blue button. Which blue eye more like as I am 1 more stupid comment away from decking the daft cow. Her uncle is boss so she thinks she can do what she wants. She is 60. She has been working there 5 months and asks me questions that I wouldn't expect to be asked after two weeks. And she has a fucking squeaky voice like she is voicing a shrew cartoon character. She needs to fuck off before I have a breakdown. My last boss pushed me to the brink and fucking Jackie may well topple me over the edge. And who is my boss out drinking with this weekend? My old boss. God. Hates. Me.


JUST FUCK OFF JACKIE.

I am mad at myself.

Absolutely fucking raging at myself. I am a mug. Pure fucking mug. I have thrown 300% at a man. What has he given? 10% max. FOR. A. YEAR. But I still give.

Yes, two or three times I have deleted his number and deleted the text thread and said that's it but it all finds it's way back. At the moment his number just isn't saved and I have convinced myself that is feminism?

I check in with him at least once a week and sometimes he gratifies me with a reply and sometimes he just keeps playing Fortnite and I have to look up break up playlists on youtube. (#PillsNPotions). OH BUT HE IS SO MUCH KINDER THAN ANY OF THE OTHERS SO I MUST KEEP TRYING?!?! He is a douche but within a week max I will have backtracked no doubt. And yes, he is the no pudding guy from months ago. I WANTED A FUCKING CHEESECAKE. OR AT THE VERY LEAST A FUCKING TEXT BACK.

*** To clarify; I am not a complete moron - if you saw him with me you would think he adored me. He stutters. He stares as I walk away (so my trusted friends tell me). He is awkward beyond belief. But clearly too fucking awkward. What I convinced myself was love was apparently just plain old social anxiety. Story of my life.

You know what is bullshit?

Lean in close, little ones; I will tell you what is bullshit.

From a very early age I wanted to be an Egpytologist. I knew from about 7 that this was my destiny. I was put on this Earth to find Imoteph's* tomb, or so I believed. When I got older I realised that I wasn't being drawn to ancient Egypt by anything special; it was an incredibly interesting culture that most people are drawn in to. So I thought: fuck it. Do a degree in something vague that will be broadly useful as opposed to something specific that you can't use in the future. One journalism degree and a few years in a dead end job later and I'm thinking 'fuck it all, get a masters in Egyptology and live your life grrrl; what is there to lose?'. Well, fucking everything as since I didn't do a degree in history it looks like I won't be getting my dream masters.

A fluke choice at 18 and my dream got fucked up the ass. BULL.SHIT. At 18 I didn't know how much I could even drink, let alone what would have half a chance at making me happy FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE. Fucking UCAS choices. You should take them at 30 when you have some idea of what gives you long term satisfaction.


*SHOUT OUT TO THE WORLD'S FIRST GENIUS; I STILL HEAR YA DUDE.

 

 

 

 

*UPDATE FROM 2018*

 

Hahahahahaha Now I've got a masters, with a great dissertation score. Hellooooooo, job market, AMIRITE?! No. no you're not 'rite', because *now* a fucking forklift license would help me secure a job. Oh, those elitists, always shifting the goalposts.

Shame, Shame, I know your name

Oh. My. God.

I just met a 20 y/o. Oh my God. I want to apologise to everyone I crossed paths with when I was 20 if I was ever half the **See You Next Tuesday** she is. Though to be honest she gets on my last tit so I don't think I was half as bad as she is.

She is vegan but if she has a bad day then she is not vegan and eats chocolate. Because fuck cows, the dairy industry is less cruel if you are a tad miffed with your day, generally. She thought no-one had heard the acronym 'YOLO' until today when she said it. I hope she breeds with the guy from my previous post so that fate has an easier bloodline to target.

When I started where I work I couldn't understand why women were, generally, hostile towards me. But she's started now. And as my boss keeps saying I am "getting on a bit now" (27 mother-fucking-hell). So I guess I am in a position that some were in when I joined; not old but a different generation to the youngest.

I do not get why they were bitchy tbh.

Do men old enough to be your dad no longer give you their full attention? Fucking good. Weird creeps. Do they now bestow it on someone possibly young enough to be a grandchild? Maybe. That's their therapy session, not yours. Pervy Pervos; you keep focusing on whoever you want to smash. That's your jam, run with it. Just leave me be.

INTERNET WHY?! WHY?!

Ok, so I only came on here so slag off the guy from the post below whom I am forbidden from slagging off publically.

But then I thought, under the influence of wine, damn people should read the shit I write. So I googled "is my blog shit?". Thinking "Yass grrrl, make it stand out!" Foolishly thinking I'd get people offering to give feedback on blogs. Oh hell no, instead I got tips on what you should do if your bf wants to shit in your mouth. I want to be joking but I'm not.  I mean if nothing else for God's sake look at my past entries. Damn, do you think that's even a problem I have? They just don't offer me second courses generally, talk about rubbing that shit in. Unliterally (!)

The internet is just a dark place getting darker. You know ten years ago we all just talked about cats who wanted grammatically incorrect cheeseburgers. Now here we are pooping in mouths. And to think this was made to make the world better. hashtag glory days. hashtag Gif Mey Mey Bukket.

Captain Dicksplash

So how's your life? Mine wasn't great but now I work with Captain Dicksplash so it's just got 10 times worse. MEGALOLZ.

No matter what you've done or where you've been Captain Dicksplash has done better. Oh, so much better. Ever been anywhere? He has too, but club level! Every done literally anything? He has with bells on! Got a new computer system? He taught that at his old place of work! Imagine! OR he's an early twenty-something "see you next tuesday" full of bullshit as far from training a nationwide company on an I.T. system he came from a service station tuck shop. Also, he is a marriage wrecker who took the job there to rub someone's face in the fact he now had access to their child. Always nice, left that off your CV you moron. If you opinion is 'well, you can't help who you love' for good measure he's also lied about having cancer. Covered all fronts with this one. He's straight out of a "take a break" mag. You couldn't write a better wanker if you used every cliché in the book.

Think he sounds like a bell end? Well, don't say so outloud as he has complained that no one likes him (strange opinion, from the man who used the line "no offence, but with how close you are to retirement I'm really impressed with how into computers you are". Like, what era do you think the internet was invented in?!) He has complained that everyone slags him off and  now we are not allowed to speak ill of him. He found out people discovered he lied about having a brain tumour and everyone else is out of order - NOT HIM.

Also, he looks **just** like a crosst between slappy the dummy from goosebumps and Alfred E Newman, in case you though he wasn't chunt enough.


So on the off chance that one person, anywhere, reads this and thinks "shit, I didn't have the best day". Please, I beg you; take comfort from the fact you you do not work with Captain Dickspash.

Table Manners

Have I written about table manners on here before? Most likely...But today I literally watched someone eat a cupcake in two mouthfuls so; here we go again. Oh my fucking God. Some people should not be allowed to eat in public.

I mean are we not all taught how to eat? Is that not one of the first things we learn? I mean, I'm scared that this person never progressed to potty training! She eats open mouthed "chewing" as much as she can fit in (and it's not the person I've critiqued on here before for similar behaviour so it's not just a grudge I have, although I do hate that person with a passion). 1/3 of it ended up on the floor.

I swear to God. Fuck swear boxes we need to introduce 'I could hear you chew from 4 miles away' boxes. We could end world poverty in a fucking week. Or at least in my office we could.

Worst case scenario

Ugh. I'm just so very annoyed with myself right now. I'm living in this bizarre purgatory where no aspect of my life is good yet, aggravatingly, I can't figure out what I actually want from life.

I hate my job with a passion - but can't find a job I'd rather have.

I hate where I live - but can't think where I'd like to move to.

I hate my lack of skills - but can't decide on what I want to learn

I hate a considerable percentage of the people around me - but to be fair though I'll chalk that one up to me being a miserable arsehole.

On top of this I'm worried that I'm getting too old now to be so disjointed with my life plans; not to mention too old to come on here and grumble into the empty halls of cyberspace when I'm bored. I should have more substantial hobbies dammit.

At this point I think the best hope for me is that my whole existence is just a daydream in some cosmic rabbit's head, soon to be extinguished when hears a loud noise or smells a carrot or something. Please get distracted soon, cosmic bunny!

Two many people who carn't spell well

I think that the only thing worse than being around people (with English as their first language) who make basic spelling/grammar mistakes is working for them.

Where I work (shockingly, for a fairly large company) people got where they are through sycophancy rather than skill, intelligence or indeed any apparent redeemable quality in some cases. I know, I know, I should just play the game too; fluff a few egos (or worse) and I could have some silly titled job myself. I could be the assistant project planner for the HR, health and safety & environment project directive planner or something. But I wouldn't be the best person for that job (mainly because even though that's a title of my own creation I have no idea what it would entail outside of planning) and jobs should go to the best person for them. Not your mate. Not whoever is willing to put out to get it. Not the nearest person to you in the room when you put up the advert. Not the first person you see who doesn't look like they'll not bite or wee on the seat.

But that's not how my workplace rolls. Oh no. So now we have managers who voted for the political party who uses their favourite colours and managers who can't use there/their/too/two/to etc. And they all lord it about, on twice my salary getting us 'plebs' to do as much of their work as they can get away with. And no-one can complain because the people you'd complain to hired them.

It's a sad old world.

(unless you kiss butt)

Fools

Why are some people morons? I'm not trying to be mean with this one but honestly, I had to argue with someone who was adamant that snow does not give you frostbite. It's...it's literally in the name with that one. Do people sometimes just say incredibly stupid things to see how the world will react? They can't believe, in their heart of hearts, all of the crap that spurts from their mouths surely? Either way these people should not be the world's problem - which is why I'd like to suggest 'Idiot Isle'.

It's pretty self explanatory; just dump all of the muppets on an island together. Hardly ground breaking but it's win-win. If they are just dumb then think of the riveting conversations they'll be able to have amongst their intellectual(ly lacking) equals and if they just think it's funny then they'll find each other hilarious. And then I need never have to explain to someone wearing converse in 3 foot of snow that they may be endangering themselves again.

Let's talk table manners...

I'm one of those people who can't stand to hear people chew. There is one person, with whom circumstance regrettably dictates I interact with regularly, who chews insanely loudly. If I were to try and liken it to something then I think the closest I could get would be a toothless hippo lazily performing fellatio. The point here being; can these people actually not hear themselves? Are they not aware that while they're just savouring their werther's original everyone in a 10 mile radius can hear their saliva frothing around like a tsunami of aggravation? If they can't then I think society owes it to these people to tell them before they get banned from all picnic areas and fancy restaurants!