Now, I've said this a lot but...

Forget everything I've written previously. I have *now* met the biggest cunt I've yet to meet. She doesn't log her phone in in the morning as she 'doesn't feel like it'. She wont work until 6 (the shift) because she 'doesn't want to'. She gives half her work away because she 'doesn't want to do it'. She asked me how to log her phone out yesterday. I said "push the log out button, and then the cross button, it's next to the blue button". THERE IS ONLY ONE BLUE BUTTON. She replied with "which blue button?" Which blue button?! Well, not the one on my fucking coat, Jackie. I. Swear. To God. Which blue button. Which blue eye more like as I am 1 more stupid comment away from decking the daft cow. Her uncle is boss so she thinks she can do what she wants. She is 60. She has been working there 5 months and asks me questions that I wouldn't expect to be asked after two weeks. And she has a fucking squeaky voice like she is voicing a shrew cartoon character. She needs to fuck off before I have a breakdown. My last boss pushed me to the brink and fucking Jackie may well topple me over the edge. And who is my boss out drinking with this weekend? My old boss. God. Hates. Me.


JUST FUCK OFF JACKIE.

Table Manners

Have I written about table manners on here before? Most likely...But today I literally watched someone eat a cupcake in two mouthfuls so; here we go again. Oh my fucking God. Some people should not be allowed to eat in public.

I mean are we not all taught how to eat? Is that not one of the first things we learn? I mean, I'm scared that this person never progressed to potty training! She eats open mouthed "chewing" as much as she can fit in (and it's not the person I've critiqued on here before for similar behaviour so it's not just a grudge I have, although I do hate that person with a passion). 1/3 of it ended up on the floor.

I swear to God. Fuck swear boxes we need to introduce 'I could hear you chew from 4 miles away' boxes. We could end world poverty in a fucking week. Or at least in my office we could.

Subtle hint is (apparently too) subtle

I'm pretty sick of people who either completely miss or choose to ignore subtle hints, especially when you get the vibe that it is wilful ignorance rather than them just being a little dense. They push and push and just keep going until you snap and are blunt then they whine that you could have been a little gentler with the issue.No. Fuck off could I have been. You've probably had at least five opportunities to take the damn hint. If you don't take it then what choice does anyone have but to hurl it at your face.

I'm sorry, but:

If someone knows that you are interested in them and they avoid you/pretend they've not noticed you then they're not being coy - they are trying not to have to outright say 'I don't want to'.

If you tell your friend something and you're met with a sigh and silence then don't press the matter; they either don't agree or don't approve.

If you friend request someone and they decline it then guess fucking what. They don't want to be friends.

I'm not saying the truth doesn't suck. It does. But it sucks for everyone at some point and just acting like everything's going exactly how you want it to doesn't mean that it actually is. You're just making other people feel awkward and making them dread having to deal with you and your borderline delusional fantasy world again. So don't be a dick. Just be an adult and face the truth, you'll have to eventually anyway.

Fools

Why are some people morons? I'm not trying to be mean with this one but honestly, I had to argue with someone who was adamant that snow does not give you frostbite. It's...it's literally in the name with that one. Do people sometimes just say incredibly stupid things to see how the world will react? They can't believe, in their heart of hearts, all of the crap that spurts from their mouths surely? Either way these people should not be the world's problem - which is why I'd like to suggest 'Idiot Isle'.

It's pretty self explanatory; just dump all of the muppets on an island together. Hardly ground breaking but it's win-win. If they are just dumb then think of the riveting conversations they'll be able to have amongst their intellectual(ly lacking) equals and if they just think it's funny then they'll find each other hilarious. And then I need never have to explain to someone wearing converse in 3 foot of snow that they may be endangering themselves again.

to tweet or not to tweet...

I'm getting so fed up of people walking straight at me or walking into me because they're plodding along playing with their phones. I want to smack their hands from the underneath so their phone goes flying and that text/tweet/facebook status they were in the middle of, which I'm sure not nothing dull or mundane like 'lol in ldn. is kwl. lol' becomes lost to the world.

That said you've got to be pretty dim to wander around central London and not pay attention to where you're going so this perhaps is Dawrinism at its finest. I think fairly soon the sight of people floating down the Thames frantically texting/tweeting/whatever 'is it rainin cuz im all wet now??but forgot my brolly.not lolz.' will become a common sight.

Seat sharing

I always seem to find myself involuntarily sharing my seat on public transport. I'm sort of little (despite my fat arse) and don't take up a whole seat. This, apparently, is an invitation for anyone else in the carriage/on the bus/tube/whatever to use that left over space as they see fit.


The other day I was on the train and a man sat next to me, got out his paper and spread out. Dude, did you pay half towards my ticket? No? Well your elbows better back the fuck up then, hadn't they?


I didn't actually say that though as he genuinely spent a third of the journey, somewhat terrifyingly, plucking out his eyebrow hairs, another third indignantly pretending he had no idea why he was covered in eyebrow, and the final part of the journey reading his newspaper like he was doing the funky fucking chicken. In my space.

Outings

Why do people never cancel until the shortest possible notice?

Like when you say 'oh shall we go see 'x'' and they say 'oh yeah, sure', then either the day before or on the the day, you go to check plans and it's 'oh, sorry yeah don't really have the money'. Fair enough, but I doubt that you didn't know that you had no money when we arranged this, so why say yes in the first place? This week I have lost two (paid for)play tickets, missed a gig and will now be missing a filming. Is it so difficult to just say 'no, I don't really fancy that' or 'I'm busy so I can't, sorry' when an idea is suggested? Apparently so...

When I die, bury my under a busy street so that my resting place can be an ironic yet perfect metaphor for how my life has been lived.

Music

Is there really any reason for not using headphones when listening to music on your own? I think not.

I may well need to blow dry my hair at about 6 O'clock tomorrow morning. Nothing to do with the music played tonight, of course.

Cinemas and cyclists

Why, in cinemas and in theatres, does somebody always come in about ten minutes after it's begun? How do they get the plot when they've missed the first ten or so minutes? Sometimes I swear they do it just to be annoying.

And they're always either next to you if it's in a theatre( the other side of you so you've got to stand up and let them past, naturally) or in front of you if it's in the cinema. Then they talk for a bit 'Oh, how much of it do you think we've missed?' etc. ARGH! I'm starting to think I need to just move to a small island, inhabited only be people who walk at a decent pace and can arrive on time.



Also, I think I've had enough of the cyclists in London. Some of them are okay, but some don't stop at the traffic lights and zip around corners really fast. I'm not sure just how much damage can be done by being run over by a cyclist, but I feel like I'm getting dangerously close to finding out the hard way.


The amount of times one of them has nearly clipped me jumping a red light while I'm crossing the road is ridiculous. I'm not sure if they have to stop at the lights by law, but surely it's in their own interests to do so too?


Photo: Aaron Naparstek, Drachten, Netherlands

Other peoples music

ARGH! One of my thoughtful neighbours seems to think that everyone should be able to enjoy their music. While I appreciate the thought, I'd quite like to pass this time. Shame, even though so far I've had about an hour of it at least, I can't work out just who it's coming from, until I do that I can't ask them to turn it down.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was music I liked, if it was a bit of Cat Power or Laura Marling I'd be shouting for them to turn it up. But it isn't. Oh, the joys of student life.

London underground and butter thieves

I quite often get cross on the underground. Not furious, just into that passive-aggressive state where you sigh loudly and sarcastically, then dart away quick in case whoever annoyed you heard you.

Topping up my oyster card today and if the guy in the queue behind me had got any closer to me I'd have been giving him a piggy back. I hate that, especially when you're putting in your pin number. Some people have no sense of personal space, and I'm a person who doesn't really like people in mine.

But getting your tickets is only half of it. You've then got to get down the escalators. I can't talk for every station but I know my local one seems to have a 'stand to the right but feel free to put your bag/suitcase/pram to the left' unwritten rule.

Then on the platform people do the one thing that really drives me crazy; they stand right in front of you. I know everyone's got somewhere to be and its not nice to stand if you've got a long journey, but seriously? It doesn't get much ruder than standing directly in front of someone. In these situations I can manage a 'how rude!' or a sigh, although really I guess the best thing to do is move directly in front of them.


But my main bugbear on the tube is when you go to get off, and everyone on the platform stands in front of the door, looking at you with a 'hurry up, I want to get on' look in their eyes. I don't know if these people are used to being around people who can teleport, but I can't so it's completely beyond me why they make no effort to let people off of the tube. It's not like it's not in their best interests too.


Also annoyed today by one of my flatmates, who I've yet to discover the identity of, who keeps not only stealing my butter, but leaving toast crumbs in it too. It wouldn't be so bad, but I don't eat toast. If you're going to do something like that at least don't leave any evidence!


Tube picture: BBC