"Is it just me or is it really warm in here?"

I'm sorry but I think that a socially acceptable answer to the above question - when posed in the context of the workplace at least - should be:"No. No, it's not. You're just bloody fat. Do you see anyone else under a size 18 wandering around in a vest top in winter? No. No you do not. Now shut the window, switch off the air con and try not to eat a whole box of boiled sweets again today, eh?"

Let's talk table manners...

I'm one of those people who can't stand to hear people chew. There is one person, with whom circumstance regrettably dictates I interact with regularly, who chews insanely loudly. If I were to try and liken it to something then I think the closest I could get would be a toothless hippo lazily performing fellatio. The point here being; can these people actually not hear themselves? Are they not aware that while they're just savouring their werther's original everyone in a 10 mile radius can hear their saliva frothing around like a tsunami of aggravation? If they can't then I think society owes it to these people to tell them before they get banned from all picnic areas and fancy restaurants!

From annoyed to pretty friggin peeved

There's a post on here from May 2010, harking back to my student days (*sob* Sadly I'm a proper grown up now*) where I rant about missing a play. Perhaps it sounds a bit petty? But what if I point out that they were really good seats in a little theatre? In a play called 'Posh', which it turns out had Kit Harington in it. I could have been inches away from Jon Snow. This will never be okay.





*Should anyone ever read this who has yet to become a proper grown up, rather than a student in some form or other then my advice is this:do. not. bother. Once the fleeting novelty of office chic and stationery cupboards has worn off it is craaaap.

Wow...

So, yeah. It's been a while since I've posted on this. I've just been penting up all my rants and rages so if I remember I'll come here now and waffle on to cyberspace because, f*ck it, at this point in time I've nothing better to do.

Packin' it

What is it about having a penis that leaves you unable to pack a bag properly? Every time I go food shopping i dread not getting a self serve till (the nearest shop to me just calls you up if they think too many people are queueing for self serve you see). I swear every man who works there approaches a bag the way the Swedish chef approaches a stew pot, they flail about a bit and in everything goes in no order and with no delicacy whatsoever. Which is awesome, as I much prefer it if any cake I get had been squashed by a bottle of water - saves me chewing, eh? Bruised fruit is always better too, clearly where I live unbruised fruit and veg is for squares and pansies.

No pastry should be flaccid...

I'm getting so fed up of  picking up a croissant to find its one of those awful, soggy, floppy ones. Who wants their breakfast to have the consistency of play-dough? I sure as hell don't. Croissants, much like all other types of pastry, should be firm and flaky, anything otherwise in inexcusable as far as I'm concerned. Should I ever find myself in any kind of position of global power and/or influence I want to make the makers of soggy pastries aware; there will be consequences.

Chipped nails

I get really frustrated when I see people whose nail varnish has chipped away and they've just left it. Seriously, it doesn't take two minutes to take your nail varnish off. I've yet to see one person who makes the 'raddish fingers' look work while they're trotting around with the top half of their nails pinky/red and the bottom half all raggedy looking where your nail varnish started chipping off over a week ago. I've no problem with keeping them painted, I like to keep mine painted, but it drives me nuts when people leave them looking scruffy.

It's the same as when I see people with liquid eyeliner that's not in a straight line. Struggling with the brush style applicators? Damn, if only you could get them in a pen style to ensure a smoother line. Makes me want to wipe it off and yell 'JUST STICK TO KOHL FFS!'