Getting Older

Oooooh God. I now have to interact with 19-21 year olds. And I get on with them and they are good people and funny BUT HOLY FUCK WTF ARE THEY ON ABOUT?! I get why people don't like getting older now because I fucking don't either.

One of them is going to "paintworks" this weekend but apparently that doesn't involve decorating or periods specifically, just D.Js. Fuuuuuck.

I had to describe a Nokia 3310 to them earlier, which is ironic as they will outlast the pair of us.

Oh my God I don't want to be old?! And this is the future. This is scary. From now on I will only get further away from it all. I may ask for botox and a youth dictionary for Xmas. hashtag I Still Got It ?!?!?

I am mad at myself.

Absolutely fucking raging at myself. I am a mug. Pure fucking mug. I have thrown 300% at a man. What has he given? 10% max. FOR. A. YEAR. But I still give.

Yes, two or three times I have deleted his number and deleted the text thread and said that's it but it all finds it's way back. At the moment his number just isn't saved and I have convinced myself that is feminism?

I check in with him at least once a week and sometimes he gratifies me with a reply and sometimes he just keeps playing Fortnite and I have to look up break up playlists on youtube. (#PillsNPotions). OH BUT HE IS SO MUCH KINDER THAN ANY OF THE OTHERS SO I MUST KEEP TRYING?!?! He is a douche but within a week max I will have backtracked no doubt. And yes, he is the no pudding guy from months ago. I WANTED A FUCKING CHEESECAKE. OR AT THE VERY LEAST A FUCKING TEXT BACK.

*** To clarify; I am not a complete moron - if you saw him with me you would think he adored me. He stutters. He stares as I walk away (so my trusted friends tell me). He is awkward beyond belief. But clearly too fucking awkward. What I convinced myself was love was apparently just plain old social anxiety. Story of my life.

You know what is bullshit?

Lean in close, little ones; I will tell you what is bullshit.

From a very early age I wanted to be an Egpytologist. I knew from about 7 that this was my destiny. I was put on this Earth to find Imoteph's* tomb, or so I believed. When I got older I realised that I wasn't being drawn to ancient Egypt by anything special; it was an incredibly interesting culture that most people are drawn in to. So I thought: fuck it. Do a degree in something vague that will be broadly useful as opposed to something specific that you can't use in the future. One journalism degree and a few years in a dead end job later and I'm thinking 'fuck it all, get a masters in Egyptology and live your life grrrl; what is there to lose?'. Well, fucking everything as since I didn't do a degree in history it looks like I won't be getting my dream masters.

A fluke choice at 18 and my dream got fucked up the ass. BULL.SHIT. At 18 I didn't know how much I could even drink, let alone what would have half a chance at making me happy FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE. Fucking UCAS choices. You should take them at 30 when you have some idea of what gives you long term satisfaction.


*SHOUT OUT TO THE WORLD'S FIRST GENIUS; I STILL HEAR YA DUDE.

 

 

 

 

*UPDATE FROM 2018*

 

Hahahahahaha Now I've got a masters, with a great dissertation score. Hellooooooo, job market, AMIRITE?! No. no you're not 'rite', because *now* a fucking forklift license would help me secure a job. Oh, those elitists, always shifting the goalposts.

Shame, Shame, I know your name

Oh. My. God.

I just met a 20 y/o. Oh my God. I want to apologise to everyone I crossed paths with when I was 20 if I was ever half the **See You Next Tuesday** she is. Though to be honest she gets on my last tit so I don't think I was half as bad as she is.

She is vegan but if she has a bad day then she is not vegan and eats chocolate. Because fuck cows, the dairy industry is less cruel if you are a tad miffed with your day, generally. She thought no-one had heard the acronym 'YOLO' until today when she said it. I hope she breeds with the guy from my previous post so that fate has an easier bloodline to target.

When I started where I work I couldn't understand why women were, generally, hostile towards me. But she's started now. And as my boss keeps saying I am "getting on a bit now" (27 mother-fucking-hell). So I guess I am in a position that some were in when I joined; not old but a different generation to the youngest.

I do not get why they were bitchy tbh.

Do men old enough to be your dad no longer give you their full attention? Fucking good. Weird creeps. Do they now bestow it on someone possibly young enough to be a grandchild? Maybe. That's their therapy session, not yours. Pervy Pervos; you keep focusing on whoever you want to smash. That's your jam, run with it. Just leave me be.

INTERNET WHY?! WHY?!

Ok, so I only came on here so slag off the guy from the post below whom I am forbidden from slagging off publically.

But then I thought, under the influence of wine, damn people should read the shit I write. So I googled "is my blog shit?". Thinking "Yass grrrl, make it stand out!" Foolishly thinking I'd get people offering to give feedback on blogs. Oh hell no, instead I got tips on what you should do if your bf wants to shit in your mouth. I want to be joking but I'm not.  I mean if nothing else for God's sake look at my past entries. Damn, do you think that's even a problem I have? They just don't offer me second courses generally, talk about rubbing that shit in. Unliterally (!)

The internet is just a dark place getting darker. You know ten years ago we all just talked about cats who wanted grammatically incorrect cheeseburgers. Now here we are pooping in mouths. And to think this was made to make the world better. hashtag glory days. hashtag Gif Mey Mey Bukket.

Captain Dicksplash

So how's your life? Mine wasn't great but now I work with Captain Dicksplash so it's just got 10 times worse. MEGALOLZ.

No matter what you've done or where you've been Captain Dicksplash has done better. Oh, so much better. Ever been anywhere? He has too, but club level! Every done literally anything? He has with bells on! Got a new computer system? He taught that at his old place of work! Imagine! OR he's an early twenty-something "see you next tuesday" full of bullshit as far from training a nationwide company on an I.T. system he came from a service station tuck shop. Also, he is a marriage wrecker who took the job there to rub someone's face in the fact he now had access to their child. Always nice, left that off your CV you moron. If you opinion is 'well, you can't help who you love' for good measure he's also lied about having cancer. Covered all fronts with this one. He's straight out of a "take a break" mag. You couldn't write a better wanker if you used every cliché in the book.

Think he sounds like a bell end? Well, don't say so outloud as he has complained that no one likes him (strange opinion, from the man who used the line "no offence, but with how close you are to retirement I'm really impressed with how into computers you are". Like, what era do you think the internet was invented in?!) He has complained that everyone slags him off and  now we are not allowed to speak ill of him. He found out people discovered he lied about having a brain tumour and everyone else is out of order - NOT HIM.

Also, he looks **just** like a crosst between slappy the dummy from goosebumps and Alfred E Newman, in case you though he wasn't chunt enough.


So on the off chance that one person, anywhere, reads this and thinks "shit, I didn't have the best day". Please, I beg you; take comfort from the fact you you do not work with Captain Dickspash.

Effboys

Tell you what else I need to let off steam about; those "I'll go to the effort of driving you to another town to a fancy restaurant then never talk to you again' men. Yeah, if I knew this was going nowhere I'd have brought myself dessert. If you think you have any chance of someone putting out for a (self-paid) main with no pudding course then at last I know you aren't also sleeping with any of my friends, as fuck that. No cheesecake = no sex without fail in my inner circle (no pun intended).

***edit to add that I re-read much later and I realise that there is no pun in that last line and I was just drunk when I wrote this. But did I still text him? Fuck yeah. Did I regret that? Fuck yeah. Do I wish I could hate men as much as I want to. Fuck yeah. ***

Table Manners

Have I written about table manners on here before? Most likely...But today I literally watched someone eat a cupcake in two mouthfuls so; here we go again. Oh my fucking God. Some people should not be allowed to eat in public.

I mean are we not all taught how to eat? Is that not one of the first things we learn? I mean, I'm scared that this person never progressed to potty training! She eats open mouthed "chewing" as much as she can fit in (and it's not the person I've critiqued on here before for similar behaviour so it's not just a grudge I have, although I do hate that person with a passion). 1/3 of it ended up on the floor.

I swear to God. Fuck swear boxes we need to introduce 'I could hear you chew from 4 miles away' boxes. We could end world poverty in a fucking week. Or at least in my office we could.