But I am happy single

You may as as well tell people you are a unicorn here on a witness protection programme scheme because you saw the sugar plum fairy doing something that you dare not mention again than tell them you are happy single, as they're going to be more likely to believe it.

I have reached the, apparently tragic, level of singledom where I am now clearly single due to my own incompetence at finding men. Pretty much everyone I know trying to set me up with their friend/brother/work mate/man they stood next to at the bus stop who looks a bit desperate too. I tell them all 'oh, that's sweet but I'm honestly fine single. I like it, it means I can travel with work whenever I want to, which I prefer at the minute'. 'No, no, no. You've just got to go out, have dinner. You'll love him'. Handy hint: this sometimes means they've already told them you'll go.

I get that people mean well and are trying to help but holy crap why don't they listen? And this isn't just a few people suggesting nipping out for drinks a couple of times; I've heard the phrase 'I'd quite like you for a sister in law'. You...you can't just betroth people.

Plus, it's a bit disheartening to find you've been invited out somewhere, not for your wit, personality or any other redeeming trait but because they've got a mate who can't get laid and hey, you obviously can't either so BAM. Clearly meant to be. Sit in the corner and get on with it.

I hate dreading what awkward messages I've got on facebook now because some poor sod has been told God knows what about me and that I'll definitely date them. I don't want to. I've not got a lot going for me but I could get someone if I wanted someone. I did sit next to a very dashing man on a plane a few weeks ago. Maybe I need to big this up. 'Sorry, I fell in love with a man on a plane you see, so I'm going to stay chaste from now on until he finds me again. It's nothing against your friend/brother/work mate/man you stood next to at the bus stop who looks a bit desperate too, it's just that ya know, this is surely fate.Consider me taken...?'

Might work? Worth a shot. Failing that I'll just shout 'OH PISS OFF' whenever someone starts to talk about someone I don't already know.

Fools

Why are some people morons? I'm not trying to be mean with this one but honestly, I had to argue with someone who was adamant that snow does not give you frostbite. It's...it's literally in the name with that one. Do people sometimes just say incredibly stupid things to see how the world will react? They can't believe, in their heart of hearts, all of the crap that spurts from their mouths surely? Either way these people should not be the world's problem - which is why I'd like to suggest 'Idiot Isle'.

It's pretty self explanatory; just dump all of the muppets on an island together. Hardly ground breaking but it's win-win. If they are just dumb then think of the riveting conversations they'll be able to have amongst their intellectual(ly lacking) equals and if they just think it's funny then they'll find each other hilarious. And then I need never have to explain to someone wearing converse in 3 foot of snow that they may be endangering themselves again.

"Is it just me or is it really warm in here?"

I'm sorry but I think that a socially acceptable answer to the above question - when posed in the context of the workplace at least - should be:"No. No, it's not. You're just bloody fat. Do you see anyone else under a size 18 wandering around in a vest top in winter? No. No you do not. Now shut the window, switch off the air con and try not to eat a whole box of boiled sweets again today, eh?"

Let's talk table manners...

I'm one of those people who can't stand to hear people chew. There is one person, with whom circumstance regrettably dictates I interact with regularly, who chews insanely loudly. If I were to try and liken it to something then I think the closest I could get would be a toothless hippo lazily performing fellatio. The point here being; can these people actually not hear themselves? Are they not aware that while they're just savouring their werther's original everyone in a 10 mile radius can hear their saliva frothing around like a tsunami of aggravation? If they can't then I think society owes it to these people to tell them before they get banned from all picnic areas and fancy restaurants!

From annoyed to pretty friggin peeved

There's a post on here from May 2010, harking back to my student days (*sob* Sadly I'm a proper grown up now*) where I rant about missing a play. Perhaps it sounds a bit petty? But what if I point out that they were really good seats in a little theatre? In a play called 'Posh', which it turns out had Kit Harington in it. I could have been inches away from Jon Snow. This will never be okay.





*Should anyone ever read this who has yet to become a proper grown up, rather than a student in some form or other then my advice is this:do. not. bother. Once the fleeting novelty of office chic and stationery cupboards has worn off it is craaaap.

Wow...

So, yeah. It's been a while since I've posted on this. I've just been penting up all my rants and rages so if I remember I'll come here now and waffle on to cyberspace because, f*ck it, at this point in time I've nothing better to do.

Packin' it

What is it about having a penis that leaves you unable to pack a bag properly? Every time I go food shopping i dread not getting a self serve till (the nearest shop to me just calls you up if they think too many people are queueing for self serve you see). I swear every man who works there approaches a bag the way the Swedish chef approaches a stew pot, they flail about a bit and in everything goes in no order and with no delicacy whatsoever. Which is awesome, as I much prefer it if any cake I get had been squashed by a bottle of water - saves me chewing, eh? Bruised fruit is always better too, clearly where I live unbruised fruit and veg is for squares and pansies.