Maskssssss

 If masks are no longer mandatory in certain contexts, but you choose to still wear one and just pull it down over your nose - yet you don't pull your pants up but poke your dick out or put a bra on and poke your tits out - why?! Imagine being that half arsedly committed to anarchy. Anarchy if no-one is looking. Anarchy if 'the man' says you can. Anarchy if that suits everyone else today, if not, tomorrow is fine? JUST WEAR YOUR MASK PROPERLY; I HAD A GERM OCD BEFORE THIS AND THE LAST 18 OR SO MONTHS HAVE. NOT. HELPED. Wear one or do not wear one. Just don't try to be clever about going with the flow. You can't sit on the fence here, you've got to pick a side. It's doing my damn head in.

Seat sharing

I always seem to find myself involuntarily sharing my seat on public transport. I'm sort of little (despite my fat arse) and don't take up a whole seat. This, apparently, is an invitation for anyone else in the carriage/on the bus/tube/whatever to use that left over space as they see fit.


The other day I was on the train and a man sat next to me, got out his paper and spread out. Dude, did you pay half towards my ticket? No? Well your elbows better back the fuck up then, hadn't they?


I didn't actually say that though as he genuinely spent a third of the journey, somewhat terrifyingly, plucking out his eyebrow hairs, another third indignantly pretending he had no idea why he was covered in eyebrow, and the final part of the journey reading his newspaper like he was doing the funky fucking chicken. In my space.

'Befrienders'

I don't like those people who stand too close to you. You know the ones I mean; they stand right next to you on platforms and in queues etc, and edge a little closer when you move away and grin and/or nod at you. I have personal space, and it doesn't need to have a random person grinning at me in it, thanks.

It's bad because they're everywhere you go too, unless it's just me this happens to and I'm subconsciously some kind of pied piper for people with little to no spacial awareness. Which, to be fair, is entirely possible given the kind of luck I have. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect everyone else in the world to never come within a 10mile radius of me but seriously, the rest of the platform/shop is empty, I don't want to be your friend. Go away.

London underground and butter thieves

I quite often get cross on the underground. Not furious, just into that passive-aggressive state where you sigh loudly and sarcastically, then dart away quick in case whoever annoyed you heard you.

Topping up my oyster card today and if the guy in the queue behind me had got any closer to me I'd have been giving him a piggy back. I hate that, especially when you're putting in your pin number. Some people have no sense of personal space, and I'm a person who doesn't really like people in mine.

But getting your tickets is only half of it. You've then got to get down the escalators. I can't talk for every station but I know my local one seems to have a 'stand to the right but feel free to put your bag/suitcase/pram to the left' unwritten rule.

Then on the platform people do the one thing that really drives me crazy; they stand right in front of you. I know everyone's got somewhere to be and its not nice to stand if you've got a long journey, but seriously? It doesn't get much ruder than standing directly in front of someone. In these situations I can manage a 'how rude!' or a sigh, although really I guess the best thing to do is move directly in front of them.


But my main bugbear on the tube is when you go to get off, and everyone on the platform stands in front of the door, looking at you with a 'hurry up, I want to get on' look in their eyes. I don't know if these people are used to being around people who can teleport, but I can't so it's completely beyond me why they make no effort to let people off of the tube. It's not like it's not in their best interests too.


Also annoyed today by one of my flatmates, who I've yet to discover the identity of, who keeps not only stealing my butter, but leaving toast crumbs in it too. It wouldn't be so bad, but I don't eat toast. If you're going to do something like that at least don't leave any evidence!


Tube picture: BBC